Time of transition

I'm not quite sure what the appropriate mourning period is for Otis. I have never lost a pet in that way before. I've never had an animal die so young and so suddenly before. I keep thinking about how informal his burial was. I know that sounds odd, but he was like part of the family and now he's in my backyard underneath our apple tree... no music, no service, no food... just laid in the dirt. Seems cruel for someone who was basically my first child. He will always hold this special little place in my heart. I know time will move forward and I will slowly forget about him, we will get new pets, have more children and he will be a faint memory... but for now... it. still. hurts :(

On a completely different but no less depressing note... Ella will be 1 next month. Part of me is so excited for this because it represents one of the very few goals I have ever seen to the end... I set out to nurse her for the whole year and that year is about over. I think back to our first week home. I cried because I had never felt pain like that before. I have watched other peoples children my entire adult life and I knew all the basics. I knew how to change diapers, bathe her, soothe her, get her to sleep... but no one... and i mean NO ONE... prepared me for nursing. She lost more weight when we brought her home and I cried in her doctors office because they told me to supplement her with formula. I was devastated and convinced myself that I was just not able to provide that kind of nutrition for my daughter. I thought I had failed. Luckily my hospital has an amazing lactation consultant and she helped me so much! We got through 2 weeks of pumping and being on nipple rest and nursing has been cake ever since. Now I find myself on KellyMom reading up on how to wean her. Its all a little bittersweet. I love that nursing her carves out this special time for us each day. Where I get to hold her hands and look into her eyes. A time where no one can give her what she needs except me... selfish I know...

I haven't decided how long I will wait to fully wean her. I know that at 12 months I will introduce whole milk and try to switch to just 2 feedings a day ( morning and night ). I know we also want to try for another baby this year and I can't imagine nursing and being pregnant at the same time. Time will tell I guess...

Another transition we are making is trying to decide when to move Ella into her own room. Give me angry eyes if you want but We CO SLEEP and we LOVE it! I love having Ella right next to me at night, knowing she's safe! I realize there are many precautions you should take with bed sharing... which is technically what we do. Don't be overly tired, never let your baby sleep with you if you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, Don't bed share if you or your spouse smoke.. Do your research and if you think it works for you I highly recommend it! I don't think there is any way I could have continued nursing or gotten any sleep if she didn't sleep with us. Ok I'm off my soap box now. I think all of this transitioning is harder on me than it is on her. I'm just so not ready for her to be this grown up yet!