Jack's Birthday Part 2

Sorry to leave you hanging. I am currently experiencing what it's like to be an Exclusively Pumping or EPing mother. This means that every 2-3 hours I have to hook myself up to a pump and pray that I get enough milk to come out for Jack's next feeding. It's hard work, but I want Jack to have breast milk and all it's benefits so I am going to try to EP until his 1st birthday. But that is the ending of this story so lets go back to where I left off....

They wheeled me down to our recovery room. There Jack was looked at by the Pediatric Hospitalist. He checked Jack over and said that he looked perfectly healthy. Sean and I agreed because we of course think he's perfect :). I tried to get him latch again and was unsuccessful so I asked the lactation nurse to come back in. We worked with Jack for around 45 minutes and still couldn't get him to properly latch on. He hadn't eaten much but he wasn't fussy so they said we would give it a few more hours and try again. We laid Jack in the bassinet and were getting ready for bed when he started choking. The nurse was in the room with us and saw him struggling so she picked him up and used the bulb syringe to suck out his mouth. Ella had the same issue the night she was born. Because both of my children had an extremely fast birth ( Ella was 15 min. of pushing and Jack was literally 3 pushes) they didn't have much compression to help them get all the mucous and fluid out of their airways. With Ella they just sent her down to the nursery and used a higher powered suction device that helped her stop choking and she was just fine after that. I told the nurse that I wanted her to do the same thing with Jack and she agreed, so she wheeled him down to the nursery. About 20 minutes later the Hospitalist came back in. Which immediately we thought was odd because he said he was done with us.

 He walked over to my bedside and said "I need to talk to you about your son's mouth". I'm sure that Sean and I looked like a deer in headlights. The doctor explained to us that Jack had a cleft in his soft palate. They had missed it in his check up earlier because its so far in the back of his mouth. The doctor explained that it would mean a few things for us.

1. Jack would most likely have some feeding issues- meaning he couldn't nurse like a normal baby, he would need a special bottle and possibly even a feeding tube if he was unable to use the bottle.
2. Jack would need surgery. A cleft in the soft palate makes certain sounds impossible to say so at around age 9-12 months they will have to close the cleft so that Jack can speak properly.
3. He will probably need speech therapy. We sat there quietly while he listed these things off to us. I kept trying to pay attention to what he was saying while trying not to burst into tears.

The nurse brought Jack back to the room and I all but ripped him out of her arms. Sean and I immediately got online to research cleft palates. We found that it was extremely rare to only have a soft palate cleft, no one really knows the cause of it and that Riley Children s Hospital has the best craniofacial surgical team in the country.

 They sent a new lady in from lactation to see if Jack would latch at all. When he was unsuccessful again they told us that he would have to be fed a bottle of formula so that we could see if he was able to eat properly. Apparently a cleft in the soft palate makes it hard for him to breathe while eating and it is easy for him to aspirate milk into his lungs. An hour or so later a different Pediatric Hospitalist came to our room to inform us that Jack would be moving to the Special Care Nursery. They wanted to make sure that his oxygen levels were staying up while he drank his bottle. Yet again I sat quietly while a doctor explained things to us and tried my best to focus on her every word w/o bursting into tears. She walked us down to the special care nursery, explained all the rules to us ( only 2 visitors at a time, one had to always be a parent) She showed us where to wash our hands and arms before entering and then what button to push on the outside wall so that a nurse could buzz us in to the nursery. They took him over to a special bed and started hooking him up to the monitors.

 I lost it.

 I had been trying to hold it in for the past few hours and was doing my best to be strong but seeing them hook him up to the monitors did me in. I was uncontrollably sobbing for a few minutes. I tried to hide behind my husband in the corner of the room. The pediatrician was so very compassionate. She quickly grabbed some tissue and found a rocking chair for me to sit in. She handed Jack to me and said "Mommy, he's going to be fine, I promise you this is fixable". I kept apologizing for crying and she kept assuring me that Jack was healthy and would be fine.

 They showed us a special bottle called a Haberman and said that it would help Jack eat. He took it like a champ and sucked down a half ounce of formula in 10 minutes. For the next 24 hours Sean and I took turns doing Jack's feedings ever 3 hours. One of us was always in the special care nursery holding Jack and talking to him. Later in the evening the doctor came back in to give us a hand out about cleft palates. She listened while we asked questions and voiced concerns and then she put her hand on my shoulder and told us we were good parents. It is amazing how much that touched our hearts! In the midst of everything that had just taken place it was so nice to hear that. For the past 24 hours we had felt like we were swimming upstream and playing catch up and for her to say that really reassured us that we could do this. We could get Jack through whatever obstacles were coming our way.

I pumped every 3 hours even though I was only getting a few drops (if that) and then I would syringe feed him the drops. We annoyed the nurses, asking questions about every monitor, every stat and every test. Because a cleft palate is a midline defect they wanted to check other organs for defects so they ordered a head to toe ultrasound for him. Everything came back normal except for a heart murmur and even that closed the next day. Every time they gave us a goal for Jack he would blow through it! AFter 24 hours they let him come back to our room and we had to wheel him back down for each feeding to be monitored. After 24 more hours they didn't need to monitor his feedings anymore, but wanted to keep him there just in case. Then on Tuesday morning they came in and started walking us through the discharge papers.

We left the hospital on formula (which broke my heart). I wanted so badly to nurse Jack but its just not possible for him. 5 days after he was born my milk finally came in and we were able to cut back on his formula in take and after 7 days we were able to cut formula out completely. So far my milk supply is keeping up with him and I've actually been able to put some reserve milk in the freezer. Jack eats like a champ and is gaining weight beautifully! He gets extra gassy from swallowing air during his feedings and that can make him fussy but he's normally such a chill baby. For the first few days it was hard to enjoy him, I know that sounds awful but I just felt like he as so fragile and that I would do something wrong. But now we are into our own routine and learning his little personality and loving every minute with him!

So there you have it. The story of Jack's birth and the discovery of his cleft palate. I will be keeping you updated on our journey with EPing and with Jack's surgery in the future. Thanks for sticking with me and reading all of this :)

here are some pictures for you as a reward !

Jack's Birth Story- Part 1

I have tried writing this post several different times now. I keep finding it hard to put into words the whole experience of Jack's Birthday. For me it was a two fold story of extreme joy and incredible fear. No one ever wants to hear a doctor say that there is something wrong with their child and though Jack has a very mild birth defect that we will be able to fix with surgery, hearing the doctors tell me that my brand new, absolutely perfect baby boy had something wrong with him was one of the scariest experiences of my life!


Lets start from the beginning. I had a regularly scheduled appointment with my OB on Tuesday Dec. 4th. The doc checked me and announced that I was still 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced (I had been for the past week) and also informed me that I had a posterior cervix. This is where your cervix is pointing towards your back instead of down the birth canal. The OB assured me that this was fairly normal and that when I went into active labor it would correct itself. We discussed options and decided to go ahead and induce me on Friday the 7th (Jack's due date). I had been having contractions on and off for the past month and a half and I was ready to meet my sweet boy!

 Friday morning we got up at 4:45, packed up the remaining stuff in our bags, kissed Ella and left her with Sean's parents. We arrived to the hospital at 5:30 and were checked into our room by 6. I had made a comment to Sean telling him how much more comfortable I would feel if we had the same nurse this time that we had when I gave birth to Ella. When we walked into our room on the labor and delivery floor Sean noticed that her name was on the board as someone who was working that day. We asked the lady who checked us in if we could request her and she called right away and told her that we wanted her with us again. I cannot express how much relief I felt knowing that this kind woman would be taking care of us again, she was seriously AMAZING with me when I had Ella! She checked me and I was having regular contractions but still dilated to only 2 cm. She started my pitocin drip and said she would be checking on us often. By 10:30 my OB was making his rounds and came in to check me. I was now at 4 cm and 75% effaced and thankfully my cervix had moved up enough for him to break my water.

This is when the fun began :)

 The contractions were manageable but very painful. I found it most comfortable to sit on the edge of the bed and let my feet dangle. I like to kick my feet when I am in pain and that coupled with some breathing techniques really helped me work through the contractions. At around 11:30 I was feeling a lot of pressure and asked for my epidural. By 12 I had the epidural in and was laying down trying to rest. I developed what they call a hot spot in my hip where the medicine was unable to reach my nerves due to the way Jack was laying. I felt every contraction in just that one spot ( very weird and uncomfortable) They gave me another dose of the pain meds and got my hips situated in a way that allowed it to reach the hot spot. Just when I started to feel relief the doctor came in and said that Jack's heart rate was going down with each contraction and they wanted me to change positions to see if it would help. They checked me and I was at 6cm and 90% effaced and they made me roll to my other side. Well it helped his heart rate but made my hot spot come back. at around 12:45 I called the nurse back in to see if she could give me another dose on the epidural and told her I felt like i needed to go to the bathroom. She checked me and said "well that is because you are having a baby" I had gone from 6 cm to 10 cm in just 25 min. The doctor came back in and after just 3 pushes Jack arrived at 1:22 p.m.

He was perfect, wrinkly and big! His head was beautifully round and he was crying so hard he turned a nice purple color that scared me half to death! They assured me he was fine and I let them take him over to the warmer to get cleaned off. To me he looked smaller than Ella, but when they put him on the scale he weighed in at 9 lbs 8.3 oz and 21 1/4 inches long! Everyone kept commenting on how pretty he was :) Sean and I were absolutely in love! I tried to nurse Jack after about 30 minutes and he seemed to not be interested. The lactation nurse came in and tried to help, but he kept making a loud noise and you could tell that he wasn't latching properly. They weren't too concerned so they said we would go ahead and let visitors come see him and we would try to get him to nurse later. We let Ella come in first to see him and she kept saying "Oh my baby, my baby" and giving him lots of smooches!

After everyone came in and had left we were moved down to the recovery room. That is where the real adventure began... to be continued.

The Waiting Game

I have really sucked at keeping this blog up for the past months. SO much has been happening and I had planned to put up a post about Halloween and another post about Thanksgiving along with a pregnancy update... but honestly I haven't had the energy or desire to write anything lately. So here is a quick recap


October- this was filled with all things fall. We went to the pumpkin patch and got Ella hooked on delicious apples :) We went to the Children's Museum and Ella go to go through her first haunted house ( she was a champ... didn't even cry once ). My awesome friends threw a "Little Man" Shower for Jack. It was a hilarious day :)  We went to the Zoo Boo where Ella was the cutest little scarecrow I have ever seen  and I got to scream my head off in the bird exhibit... seriously birds are HORRIBLE! To end October we took Ella trick or treating with a lot of our friends and she had a blast!

November- We tried to relax a lot this month. We had a great Friendsgiving dinner with our best friends ! We had delicious food with both sides of our family and tried to tie up all the loose ends before Jack arrives.

December- So far we are in the waiting game. I am trying my best to stay positive and not get too impatient waiting for Jack to get here. My body is pretty exhausted since I have been contracting off and on each day for the past month or so. Friday he will be here whether he likes it or not :) Against my original plan I scheduled an induction on my due date. I swore I would not do Pitocin again this time but I also vastly miscalculated how stressful the last weeks of pregnancy would be on my body. I am ready to meet my lil man!

Enjoy some pictures.

Here comes Fall!!!

Ah Fall! I love you sooo much! I love the cooler weather and the beauty of the leaves changing. I love pumpkin recipes and orchard visits! I love all things Fall! So far this Fall has proved to be quite eventful for the Ferguson household.

First, we recently have begun making the switch from using disposable diapers to cloth diapers. I purchased a few from a friend of mine at an EXTREMELY low price and decided to give them a try on Ella. The kind we decided on are Bumgenius One Size pocket diapers. We are using an older version, the 3.0. I only purchased 4 from my friend and around 12 inserts so I started out with only using them on Ella when we were at home.  I have to say I found it to be much less complicated than I had imagined and recently purchased 20 diapers and 40 inserts online. We plan on cloth diapering Jack as well so now we are pretty much set :) I will be posting more on my cloth diapering experiences/mistakes soon.

Secondly, we went to a marriage conference. Sean and I attended multiple student conferences in our teenage years but we have never went to a marriage conference before. We weren't quite sure what to expect, but we went with out entire small group which ended up being 16 people. The conference was Real Marriage which is put on by Mark Driscoll and his wife Grace. Sean and I really enjoyed it. Mark was incredibly funny and to the point. I took a ridiculous amount of notes :) My favorite snippit of advice from the conference was that our standard of beauty should be our spouse. In a world where we are bombarded with magazines and television shows that tell us how we are supposed to look it was a refreshing concept to think that Sean measures everyone else and their beauty against mine. Which right now must mean that Sean only finds extremely pregnant, hormonal, frizzy haired, crazy people screaming that they are hot all the time absolutely gorgeous :) Seriously though, if you have never invested in a marriage conference I highly recommend Real Marriage. If you can't go to the conference get the book!

Lastly, the kids are growing like crazy. Ella is talking in little sentences now and it is getting a lot easier to understand her when she is talking. I mean don't get me wrong she still speaks in that kind of elvish toddler jibber jabber most of the time, but when I was giving her a bath the other day she did turn over on her belly and say "Mommy get my butt"... I know, I know it's adorable... Jack is measuring 2 weeks ahead. I had my last doctor appointment on Thursday and my only complaint was that I feel huge. I mean literally I keep getting the " aren't you about to pop" question any time we go into public places. So when he measured my belly he said we would need to do another ultrasound to possibly move up my due date. I'm excited because 3rd trimester ultrasounds are sooo fun!!! It is incredible how much of the baby you can see on those things! Jack is still heads up 7 up for right now. Hoping and praying that he has his daddy's flip turn skills and will go into the right position soon. I DO NOT want a C-section!

Well that is our update for now. Fall is shaping up to be quite a busy season for us this year and I know that Winter is not going to calm down any either. For now we are just trying to take it in strides and spend as much time with Ella as possible!

Who is this woman and what did she do with my mom?

The toddler stage... also less lovingly called the terribly twos. Like most of her milestones Ella has hit this one early. For the past few weeks she has been a TERROR! Throwing things, kicking, hitting, fits, whining, saying " NO" to everything, the list goes on. Most days I feel at my wits end with her. What happened to my sweet daughter who loves to give hugs and was content to sit on my lap and read 100 books each day. A lot of the time she is soo good for everyone else. She behaves for her Grandparents and most of the time calms down by the time Daddy gets home from work each evening. She plays with him on the floor and giggles and laughs the whole time he's giving her a bath at night. While I love that she's showing him so much attention, lately I feel like , to Ella, I have turned into this yelling monster who is constantly telling her no and putting her in time outs. I'm the bad guy who won't let her do fun things like climb the entertainment center shelves, dance on the coffee table, or put random things in the outlets.

This is not what I set out to be when I wanted to become a parent. I did not want my days to be filled with time outs and "no's". I didn't want my daughter to get into the habit of hiding from me when she makes mistakes. Yes she literally tries to hide from me when she's done something wrong. This is something I have been deeply concerned about for a while. What kind of parent do I want to be? What message do I want my parenting style to send to my child? Am I setting a good example to Ella of what a mother should be?

This is my new commitment to Ella. That in these few months we have left of her being our only child, I will get into the habit of being intentional with my parenting style. I'm sure you are thinking to yourself " Now Heather isn't it enough to just love your child". More and more I am seeing that no its not enough to just love your child. I can love Ella and still spend my days letting her run wild and just scream at her when she gets out of hand. It is a choice to walk beside her and try to show her why I don't want her to act that way. It is a choice to intentionally discipline her.

Anywho, for the past few days I have been thinking a lot about what I want our parenting style to convey to Ella. So far I have come up with a few things that I want her and eventually her brother to know.

1. We prayed for you. You were not accidents or something that just happened to us. We prayed long and hard about when the right time to have children was. Then it took a long time after we finally said " we're ready" for us to actually get pregnant. I want them to always know that they aren't a circumstance that we are dealing with. They are gifts that we are trying to properly take care of.

2. Our love is truly unconditional. There isn't anything you could do or say that will take it away. That doesn't mean I won't get upset with you and or be angry, but I hope they always know that love is the driving force behind our actions.

3. We enjoy you. Though right now it doesn't seem like it. I'm sure Ella feels like I was sent to earth to destroy all of her fun lol. But we do enjoy having kids. Our hearts are filled each day when we you giggle and learn. I look forward to teaching you things and Daddy can't wait to get home from work to just be with you!

4. You are safe and in an environment that encourages you to learn. Our goal is that our children know that it is okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn. We don't want to get so wrapped up in our hatred of cleaning house that our kids feel like they can't explore or make a mess. It's hard to turn the other way when Ella colors off of her paper and onto the table, but I know she is just figuring out how to manipulate the markers across the page. I have to make a conscious effort to not scold her for making messes while she's learning.


So that is as far as I have gotten with this. It may sound like a bunch of chatter to most people, but its something that has weighed heavily on my heart recently. It is definitely something I am putting to prayer each night! How about you? Do you have a parenting style you are trying to stick with?

You are God of all else I'm letting go!

I've tried to write this blog post several times over the past two weeks. Each time I end up deleting it, not very happy with the flow of it or how it makes me sound. This time I've decided that whatever this post ends up with... it is what it is. At least after I finish it I won't have the words running through my mind all day long (Anyone else do that when they have an idea for a blog?)

So any who....

A few weeks ago I was hit with this idea. In a few short months I will be a mother of two. I will have a tiny infant who needs me every second of the day and I will also have a toddler who can entertain herself for roughly 20 min... but still needs me for the majority of her day. This. Scares. Me!

Tonight as I was reading to Ella before bed, I felt the baby kick. That is when all of these feelings started to rush over me. Questions and concerns. Doubts mostly. Doubts about my ability as a mother and the capacity of my heart to grow the way it needs to.

How will I split my time and attention between the two? How will I be able to love this new baby as much as I love Ella? How will Ella know that we aren't picking favorites? How can I take care of them and still be a good wife?

I know the answer to this is simple. That I will lean on God and He will show me how to juggle all of it. That He will expand my heart to make room for equal amounts of love for both my children and my husband. That He gave me two beautiful babies and the most amazing husband. That He will not abandon me when things get tough.

Its just that sometimes, even though I know the answer... I'm still scared! Scared that I am inadequate and that I will fail at this. Scared that I will not do a good job of showing Ella that no matter what happens or who comes along, that she will always be special to me. That I will fail to show her that the day she was born I instantly changed. All of the things I used to spend countless hours worrying about didn't matter anymore. She helped me to realize just how easy it can be to trust God and to know that He is Good!

All of these things I am committing to prayer. Praying that God will mold me into the wife and mother I am called to be. That I will have to wisdom to know when to be quiet and listen for His guidance. Praying that I will not be prideful when I need to ask for help. Praying that I will not lose sight of the fact that I am His daughter, and I am loved!

How about you? Did you feel this way when you had your children? How did you make sure that everyone feels equally loved?

A vacation bucket list

Sean and I recently decided that in two years we WILL go on a family vacation. We are starting to save for this now so that we can have the type of vacation we want and not have to skimp on any of it! Right now we are in the research phase. In the summer of 2014 we will have a 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old.  I've been spending way too much time on the computer researching some of the best vacation spots to take toddlers. All of this has me thinking....

There is a lot I want to do with my children before they grow up and leave me!

My family never vacationed. I took my first flight when I was 18 and on that trip I saw the ocean for the first time. Since then I have been to two different countries and vacationed on the beach multiple times. This has sparked a fire in me that I never knew existed. I am a traveler and I want to see the world.

However I am now also a mother. This shouldn't change my passion for seeing the beautiful things God has created all over the world. Instead it has driven me to want to drag my children along for the ride! I look at Ella and know that there are so many things that they can't teach her in school. They won't be able to teach her the excitement and anxiety of visiting a foreign country. They won't be able to teach her how the sand feels between her toes and how soothing it is to fall asleep to the sound of crashing waves. 

Knowing this motivates me to get her out there. Let her experience the world and see the things that make it obvious that God created everything!

Ok. My rant is over. My original purpose for this post was to share some of the places I am determined to take my family to. Not a bucket list to achieve before I die, rather one to finish before Ella gets married and leaves the nest.

So... here goes

1. Yellowstone, Rocky Mountains
2. Grand Canyon
3. Alaska
4. Scotland & Ireland
5. General Europe trip that must include Italy and Macedonia (where my ancestors were from)
6. 7. Hawaii- mostly to visit the Pearl Harbor Memorial
8. Cancun- mostly because Sean loves it so much and I have never been
9. South America
10. Australia

Ok. So we have hopefully around 20 years to accomplish all of this. Hopefully we can do it :)

New Book Review

I'm not quite sure where to begin with this review. Truthfully I couldn't put this book down and even though I finished it a week ago, I can't seem to stop talking about it. To say that this book impacted me is an understatement.  I feel like the testimony of Adam Brown is still working in my mind and in my heart.

This is the story of Adam Brown. In high school he was a star athlete, but ended up taking the wrong path. Adam fell hard and fast into the world of drug addiction, but miraculously found God along the way. His family and his girlfriend, Kelly, never gave up on him. When he decided that he wanted to become a Navy Seal, they were behind him the whole way. This book gives you a look into the lives of people around Adam and how he impacted them. He was always respectful and humble, treating everyone around him as a brother or sister. Adam is a true American Hero and lost his life in the Afghanistan during the war in Iraq, leaving behind not only a wife and two children, but a legacy that will be told for many years to come!

As a Christian reading this book made me examine my own faith and reliance on God. It made me question how much I truly trust in the Lord and wonder how I would act if put in a life or death situation. Adam's testimony spoke straight to my heart. I want to eventually become an addiction counselor and though I have a decent amount of school left to finish, this book got me really excited to get out there and start helping people. Adam is proof that you can beat addiction and that NOTHING is stronger that God. 

As a sister to an Iraq war vet, Adam's story brought me back to the memories of when my brother served two tours over seas. I never truly ask what went on over there, because I imagine it would be impossible for my brother to really explain any of it. While reading of Adam's final tour and the day of his death I literally had to put the book down and gain composure so that I could continue reading.

As a mother, Adam's story challenges me to be a good example for my children. To raise them to know Jesus and the sacrifice he made. To raise them to treat people with respect and kindness. To raise them so there is no doubt that I unconditionally love them and their father.

Do yourself a favor and go read this book!!!
I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.

Ding Ding Ding... Round 2

Well for those of you who follow my facebook page you have already heard the good news!

Sean and I are expanding our family yet again! We waited until 13 weeks to tell most people about Ella when we were pregnant with her, but this time we broke the news a little earlier. I will be 11 weeks tomorrow. This time around has been much different than my pregnancy with Ella. I have had really bad morning sickness and food aversions. I get so hungry that it makes me want to throw up , but the thought of putting food in my mouth makes it even worse. Luckily some of that is starting to subside and I am really looking forward to my second trimester and the boost of energy it will hopefully bring!

Sean and I could not be more excited! We tried to conceive for over a year with Ella and had started to think that maybe it just wasn't going to happen for us, then God decided to bless us with her during a time when we did not have insurance coverage for maternity . But as He always does, He provided abundantly for us and we truly learned the joy that comes with trusting in our Father! This time around we got pregnant in a flash. We decided in February that we would start trying again, so I made the appointment and had my IUD ( Mirena) removed and we were pregnant by March lol. I was in a complete state of shock for a few weeks. I couldn't believe that it happened so easily and the pessimist in me thought that surely the floor would fall out from under us and we would get some sort of bad news eventually. So far that worry has been for nothing!! The baby is growing the way it should and we got to see the heartbeat at 7 weeks 3 days.



I had purchased an at home Fetal Doppler when I was pregnant with Ella and I so around 9 weeks I busted it out and started looking for babies heartbeat. Sure enough I could hear it!!! My doppler said the heartbeat was 156 (which is lower than Ella's ever was). Of course that makes everyone say that this one will be a boy! OH how I would love to have a son, but truthfully I couldn't care less what the sex of the baby is. AS long as I know the baby is healthy it doesn't matter to me.

I hope to have more updates soon. My next appointment is in a week. NO ultrasound this time, but the doctor will listen to the heartbeat.

I still can't believe this is happening again!

Book Review

Ella loves books. She normally chooses to sit in her giraffe chair and surround herself with books for most of the day. She loves flipping the pages and pointing to the animals and making funny little noises. She loves to have me plop down beside her read the books to her. She really just loves anything to do with books. Which is great for her growing little mind, but not so great for most of the books themselves. She is only 15 months old and a lot of her books are already missing pages or the binding is coming undone. That is why we love board books!

I first saw this book in paperback form and thought it was very cute, but didn't pick it up because I knew Ella would rip it to shreds in no time. I was so excited when I saw that they also have this book in board form! Ella took to it right away. She loves turning the pages and growling at each of the bears on the page. She likes the part of the book where the mothers belly gets bigger and everyone is looking at it. She will pull up her shirt to look at her own belly :) Super adorable! She loves this book for the pictures of the animals and the vibrant and bright colors.

I love this book for the message it brings. It tells the story of a Mother polar bear who is teaching her child about how God gave her a baby. I love that the book talks about how the parents wanted a child and God answered their prayers. I was also very happy that it shows that the child is growing in the mother's belly and how happy the parents are! This is a very cute book with a very positive message! I would recommend it to any parent out there! Beware though, you may need a tissue when you read it!
I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.

A post about boobs... well technically breastfeeding

 There was a time where I didn't think I would write this post. Ella's first week  home was soo rough and I thought I would have to give up on my idea of breastfeeding her for the whole first year. We endured the frequent weight checks and trips to the lactation consultants office in tears and here we are... Ella is approaching 15 months and she is now fully weaned.

I wanted to wait until she was completely off the "tap" before I wrote this. Truthfully this whole weaning process has been emotional for me. I tried when she was 12 months and then felt guilty for turning her away so we went back to 2 feedings a day. I tried again at 13 months and decided that I wouldn't force it, that I would just feed her when she asked for it. Slowly the feedings dwindled down. From 2 a day to 1 a day to 1 every other day and eventually she started going 2-3 days without it. I can honestly say I don't remember the last time I nursed her. That makes me a little sad because I felt like it would be a memory I would always cherish. That last time I would share such an incredibly special bond with my daughter. But life just sort of happened and we got busy and she just stopped. 

We had her sleep in our room for the entire time she was nursing. It was just sooo much easier and I have to admit I could probably count on two hands the number of times we were up with a crying baby more than once at night. Ella was a cuddler and we really enjoyed having her with us. I thought she might put up a fight when we switched her to her own room. But truthfully I think it was harder on me than it was on her. Each night we read a book, sing a song, and she plays quietly in her crib with this little lantern toy until she drifts off to sleep. SO that has been a huge blessing to go along with weaning. I don't have any guilt about kicking her out of our room and taking the "tap" away at the same time lol.

So this post was supposed to turn out to be some tips of mine from our year of nursing. So here are a few products that I could not have lived without while I was breastfeeding!

- Lansinoh HPA Lanolin! This stuff is a life saver for cracked and sore nipples. I was afraid of using too much at the beginning and I paid for that mistake. Its safe for baby to ingest so cake it on after each feeding!





- Lansinoh Disposable Nursing Pads! I never really had a huge problem with leaking but when you are caking the lanolin on all the time its better to have a pad to keep from sticking to your bra. I really liked these because they had the most cushion.

- Medela InStyle Electric Breast Pump! If you are going back to work or you just want to give hubby a chance to feed the baby I really recommend this pump. I actually borrowed it from a friend who used it for her two children and it still worked great! Medela makes a smaller version now that still comes with a nice carrying case I believe it is called the Freestyle.


 
If you decide to pump you will need these handy little bottles to pump into. I only used them for pumping the milk and then I would put the expressed milk into freezer bags. When it was time to feed I would just put the thawed milk back into these bottles and Ella took to it very easily. I found that the Medela nipples were as close to the real thing as I could get. Ella tried other bottles but they seemed to have too fast of a flow, but the Medela slow flow nipples really worked great for us. 

 
I always used the Lansinoh breast milk storage bags. They were normally the best value at the store and they stand up on their own which was very handy when thawing the milk. 



Something that no one warned me about was how bad nipple damage could be. Ella had a very strong latch which made things very difficult for us in the beginning, but then I went to the lactation consultant and she gave me one of these handy little things. It is a shield you put over your nipple before you nurse. It protects you from further damage during feedings and lets your nipples have time to heal up. Another tip I used for cracked nipples was to put wet tea bags in my bra in between feedings. I know it sounds weird but the tea really does work and it helps you heal so quickly! Just place the wet tea bag directly on your nipple then put a nursing pad over that and then put your bra back on.


The last thing I will list in the Hooter Hider! It has a funny name, but it works like a charm. It has a rigid rim around the top so you can see your baby when you feed her but no one else can. It sure beats fidgeting with a blanket in public. I fed Ella in restaurants, stores, and even at church using this baby! There are lots of products similar to this but I found that Hooter Hider had the cutest prints.











So there you have, my own personal arsenal of breastfeeding must haves! I also used the website kellymom for a ton of advice. It has a lot of really good articles and tips for you to read. My own personal advice to is to pump some even if you are going to a be a stay at home mom. It is so nice to be able to let someone else feed the baby once in a while and I know that my hubby really enjoyed sharing that time with Ella. I hope that someone somewhere can find these little tips helpful. I know that breastfeeding turned out to be quite the journey for me, but I wouldn't trade it for the world!! 

Missing You!

I just got done laying Ella down in her crib for the night. Nothing really out of the ordinary. Same Routine. Book. Song. Kisses. Blanket. Night Light... but when I  laid her down in her crib the moonlight hit her just right and I caught a glimpse of you in her face. The way her hair lays across her forehead, her laugh and her expressions, the way she knows exactly the right time to run across the room and hug my neck... I know all of these things come from you!

It's hard to believe that you aren't here to witness this. To see me as a wife and as a mother. It is even harder not having your advice and guidance in these areas of my life. The longer I am away from you the harder it is for me to remember the small details. How you got your cookies to be exactly the same size, when and where to plant my vegetable garden, what is the right amount of lumps in the mashed potatoes.

Most of the time I feel like I'm making it up as I go. I hope you are proud of me. I get worried that I'm not living up to the woman you raised me to be. I can't ever seem to be as compassionate or patient as you were.

I'm mostly sad that Ella doesn't get the chance to know you. To learn from you. To feel your unconditional love. That is the cruelest part of death. Never being able to fully describe the person to someone who has never met them. You would have loved her. She is sassy and she loves to dance. She is smart and beautiful and outgoing! She would also love you! She definitely has your since of humor and she show cases all of her emotions with her eyebrows!

I know you are in a better place and I am so happy that you are not suffering anymore. You were the strongest woman I have ever known and in so many ways I am still trying to live up to you. One day we will meet again and I will fill you in on all of my mistakes and mishaps as a mother! I am sure you will laugh and tell me the story about how mom poured baby powder all over her bedroom floor so she could ice skate on it :)

But for now, at 12:30 on a random Wednesday morning I.am. MISSING. YOU!

I've got a fever...

The weather has been weird lately. I know I live in Indiana and the weather is always weird but this winter has been incredibly mild and seems to be coming to an end fairly early... which has me longing for summer. Spring is my least favorite season. It's pretty yes, but its like the temperature can't make up its mind. It's beautiful outside one minute and raining the next. Its all a little draining for me... I have always been a summer and fall type girl. I love hot days lounging by a pool and I love the beauty that is the midwest in the fall. Normally when I've had my fill of winter and start getting antsy for summer I start longing for the hot days, the BBQ's, the vacations, the days spent entirely in the pool... However this year I can't seem to stop thinking of something entirely different...

Babies...

I was in my first trimester of pregnancy in the summer with Ella and the hot days were so hard on me. I drove a bus full of kids to the pool several times a week and when the temp. is 90 and there is no air conditioning it really wears on a pregnant lady. I wasn't very sick with Ella but I always had to have a Gatorade by my side in case I got nauseous... it was the only thing that helped. Tonight I am sipping a Gatorade and Ella is asleep beside me and all I can think of is wanting to be pregnant again. Not because Ella isn't enough. God knows that this little darling is perfect in my eyes :) Mostly because that has always been in the plan... ya know, love and marriage, house, fence, 2.5 kids.

It took us quite a while to conceive Ella and I am so nervous that it will take that or even longer next time. I also worry that my next pregnancy will be horrible and I will be sick all the time. But more than all the worry about the what ifs... I am excited. Lord willing I will get pregnant again. I will get morning sickness and my feet will swell. I will get more stretch marks and my belly will feel like its literally going to explode... but I will get to experience that feeling again...

The feeling that my body is doing exactly what it was designed to do. That I look exactly like I'm supposed to look. I know some women feel gross when they are pregnant and as their bellies get bigger they dread looking in the mirror, but I have to admit that I loved being pregnant. I always looked in the mirror and felt like I looked exactly the way I was supposed to. God had chosen me to help him form this new life... a piece of Sean and a piece of me... and that takes up space... loooots of space! I felt beautiful, swollen ankles and all!

That being said I am entering this time of patience again. A time where I throw up my hands and let God do His thang as far as timing goes ( as if He ever really consults me on these matters). This time around I will not let my anxiety run my life. I will sit back and trust that it will happen when its supposed to and until it does I will enjoy ever second that I get to spend with Ella as an only child!

Here are my favorite pics of my pregnancy with Ella.

 We actually didn't know she was snapping this pic of us... Were just this cute on a normal basis :)

 My bump was so little then

 You can't see my belly in this one but I like this pic of us.

 The day before we found out we were having a girl!

Ella's 1st Birthday

I know this post is a little behind but things have been crazy busy since Ella's birthday... Here's the recap!

We well mostly it was me telling Sean hey this is what were doing decided that Ella's birthday party would be themed The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Thank God someone invented Pinterest where I could discover all kinds of DIY decorations, food and party favors. I didn't get any good pictures of the food, actually I didn't take any pictures of the entire day because I was too busy running around like a crazy woman :) I think everything went well. We had her party at Sean's parents house since its more centrally located for everyone, plus they have a lot more space than we do :). We decided that we would only do one party so we went ahead and invited basically everyone who knows Ella.

 Let me just say that we were overwhelmed by the people who came out to celebrate her big day with us! We are truly blessed to be a part of a small group who love on us like family! It made me all teary eyed when they showed up for her party. I feel very comfortable and secure knowing that she has so many people surrounding her that will love and protect her in the same ways that Sean and I would.

I made her outfit for her party. I wish I got a better picture of it ( If anyone from the party has good pictures please send them to me ). For her shirt I bought some squares of fabric and cut them into circles. I then used iron-on adhesive to attach them to her shirt to form a caterpillar. I also made her a very colorful tutu that she wore the whole day! I figured she would destroy it in an hour or so but she really ended up loving it! I will post some pics I got and you can kinda see her outfit.

Ella got SOOOO many awesome new toys. She's been in heaven ever since! She also got some adorable new outfits! I have been having fun washing them and reorganizing her closet for all her new spring outfits.

I have to mention one of the most amazing things that happened at her party. I have the most amazing friends. I know everyone says that but for me its really true! I get together with some awesome ladies every tuesday night and some of us do Zumba together every thursday. God has really blessed me this year by bringing these women into my life and helping me form such great bonds with them. They encourage me and support me and love on me! I never had sisters growing up but now I have more than I can count on one hand and its truly changed my life! So why are they the most amazing friends? Because at Ella's party I opened a card that was addressed to me and inside of it was a picture of a brand new kitchen aid mixer. I had mentioned to one of these ladies a few weeks ago that it was something I wanted but would probably never end up buying for myself and she took it upon herself to get our ladies group together and they all chipped in and bought me one! Seriously, I cried when I opened that card! Of course they are now demanding that I make them lots of tasty noms from my new mixer, but I say thats not a bad price to pay :).

Overall I think Ella's birthday went great! I don't think I will be doing that big of a party every year but I wanted to make her first birthday special!

Enjoy some pics from her big day.... I apologize for the bad quality... my husband is not the greatest photographer... we love him anyway!

Note to self: do not plan a birthday party at 1... kids are always sleepy then! 

 You can kinda see her outfit in this one

 This is her Caterpillar cake

 This is Ella's present from us- a play kitchen... Sean still has some finishing touches to add!

Here's my present from Ella's birthday! Ain't she a beaut!

Ella turns 1!

At 12:20 a year ago today I was taking a long hot bath. My doctor had given us the go ahead to do the induction at 6 a.m. that morning and Sean and I ended up staying up the whole night before. We were much too excited to sleep! I remember checking into the hospital at 5:30 a.m. and as soon as we got in our room I hear this blood curdling scream from across the hall! I looked over at Sean and said " I'm not sure I can do this." Sean said " That lady is a wiener, I know you can do this babe!". As moving as his pep-talk was, I was still a ball of nerves. I got into my gown, used the restroom and settled into the bed. As they strapped monitors on my belly, put in my IV, asked all sorts of questions about my pregnancy and explained what was about to happen, I found myself in a fog. Was this really happening. Were we really about to meet this little baby whose head had laid on my sciatic nerve for what seemed like an eternity. Were we ready for all of this?

They put her in my arms at 5:22 p.m. and none of those things mattered anymore. Whether we were ready or not she was here and she needed us!

Ella has been an angel baby so far! She eats well, sleeps well, is rarely sick, has hit all of her milestones a bit early... seriously I have questioned at times if we should have another one because I know its going to be a little demon child compared to her :)

A year ago today I would not have been able to predict that I would have turned into this stay at home, half way granola type mom who makes her own laundry detergent and lets her baby sleep in her bed. I think the best thing having Ella has taught me is that I am completely not in control! God has taken care of and provided for us more this year than I give him credit for! Without His compassion and patience for me I'm quite sure things would be a lot different.

Any who...

Here's to my little baby toddler! Happy Birthday My Sweet Ella!!! I fall more in love with you each day!

Time of transition

I'm not quite sure what the appropriate mourning period is for Otis. I have never lost a pet in that way before. I've never had an animal die so young and so suddenly before. I keep thinking about how informal his burial was. I know that sounds odd, but he was like part of the family and now he's in my backyard underneath our apple tree... no music, no service, no food... just laid in the dirt. Seems cruel for someone who was basically my first child. He will always hold this special little place in my heart. I know time will move forward and I will slowly forget about him, we will get new pets, have more children and he will be a faint memory... but for now... it. still. hurts :(

On a completely different but no less depressing note... Ella will be 1 next month. Part of me is so excited for this because it represents one of the very few goals I have ever seen to the end... I set out to nurse her for the whole year and that year is about over. I think back to our first week home. I cried because I had never felt pain like that before. I have watched other peoples children my entire adult life and I knew all the basics. I knew how to change diapers, bathe her, soothe her, get her to sleep... but no one... and i mean NO ONE... prepared me for nursing. She lost more weight when we brought her home and I cried in her doctors office because they told me to supplement her with formula. I was devastated and convinced myself that I was just not able to provide that kind of nutrition for my daughter. I thought I had failed. Luckily my hospital has an amazing lactation consultant and she helped me so much! We got through 2 weeks of pumping and being on nipple rest and nursing has been cake ever since. Now I find myself on KellyMom reading up on how to wean her. Its all a little bittersweet. I love that nursing her carves out this special time for us each day. Where I get to hold her hands and look into her eyes. A time where no one can give her what she needs except me... selfish I know...

I haven't decided how long I will wait to fully wean her. I know that at 12 months I will introduce whole milk and try to switch to just 2 feedings a day ( morning and night ). I know we also want to try for another baby this year and I can't imagine nursing and being pregnant at the same time. Time will tell I guess...

Another transition we are making is trying to decide when to move Ella into her own room. Give me angry eyes if you want but We CO SLEEP and we LOVE it! I love having Ella right next to me at night, knowing she's safe! I realize there are many precautions you should take with bed sharing... which is technically what we do. Don't be overly tired, never let your baby sleep with you if you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, Don't bed share if you or your spouse smoke.. Do your research and if you think it works for you I highly recommend it! I don't think there is any way I could have continued nursing or gotten any sleep if she didn't sleep with us. Ok I'm off my soap box now. I think all of this transitioning is harder on me than it is on her. I'm just so not ready for her to be this grown up yet!

Farewell Otis!

 Today we got back from a retreat with the high schoolers. We traveled north 8 hours to go play in the snow in Michigan. It was an amazing weekend and Ella was such a good little traveler but boy were we ready to get home. There is something so comforting in just thinking about home. I always start longing for my routine at home. I long for the comfort of my favorite chair, the photos of people we love surrounding me, the smells, the way only the 2 of us know where everything is in all this crazy unorganized mess :).

Tonight that home feeling is forever changed...

When Sean and I got engaged he didn't have to spend any money on my ring. It is a family heirloom from my side of the family that was passed down to him from my mother... instead Sean bought me a Pug. An engagement present so to speak. My whole life I had wanted a pug named Otis and along with making my dreams of marrying him come true Sean also fulfilled this dream of mine. Otis was a little turd from the start! He loved to snuggle and play and chew up paper, but he also loved to hike his leg up and pee on everything he thought should be "his". He always darted out the door when we opened it and then would loom just slightly out of our reach when we tried to get him to come back inside... never really running out of our line of sight... Just enough to make us chase him.

Otis has always been a part of the life Sean and I are building together. He was our little baby in our first tiny apartment. He went crazy with us when we bought our home and had more space than we knew what to do with. He cuddled with me every time there was negative pregnancy tests during the year it took us to conceive. He sat around and was lazy with me all day when I was in my third trimester and SO TIRED. He protectively and curiously watched Ella as we brought her home. He cried when she cried and loved to play with her and lick all over her face. She was nervous about him at first but always warmed up after a few minutes. Sure he pooped in her room a couple of times and hid in the closet when I yelled for him, sure he peed on Sean's pillow once because he was mad at us for leaving the house, sure he chewed up Seans glasses and Sean had to wear really ugly prescription safety glasses for a long time until we could afford new glasses for him, sure he drank out of the toilet every chance he got... but he was ours, our baby, our engagement pug... he made this house our home!

Tonight we are grieving the loss of our beloved friend. He got loose from his tie-out when we put him out to do his business before bed and ran in front of a car. Luckily it was a State Policeman who was compassionate and truly sorry. I felt so bad for him as he knocked on our door and asked if it was our dog in the road. How awful he must have felt as I held my daughter on my hip and sobbed while my husband picked our sweet little puppy up off of the pavement. I thank God that it happened quickly. Not even time for him to cry or whimper. I also thank God for an amazing husband who held it together long enough to bury our baby in backyard in front of our apple tree.

We held each other and cried. Talked about how Otis taught us true patience and walked inside to snuggle with our daughter.

Farewell Otis! You were better than any engagement gift I could have ever imagined!