I've tried to write this blog post several times over the past two weeks. Each time I end up deleting it, not very happy with the flow of it or how it makes me sound. This time I've decided that whatever this post ends up with... it is what it is. At least after I finish it I won't have the words running through my mind all day long (Anyone else do that when they have an idea for a blog?)
So any who....
A few weeks ago I was hit with this idea. In a few short months I will be a mother of two. I will have a tiny infant who needs me every second of the day and I will also have a toddler who can entertain herself for roughly 20 min... but still needs me for the majority of her day. This. Scares. Me!
Tonight as I was reading to Ella before bed, I felt the baby kick. That is when all of these feelings started to rush over me. Questions and concerns. Doubts mostly. Doubts about my ability as a mother and the capacity of my heart to grow the way it needs to.
How will I split my time and attention between the two? How will I be able to love this new baby as much as I love Ella? How will Ella know that we aren't picking favorites? How can I take care of them and still be a good wife?
I know the answer to this is simple. That I will lean on God and He will show me how to juggle all of it. That He will expand my heart to make room for equal amounts of love for both my children and my husband. That He gave me two beautiful babies and the most amazing husband. That He will not abandon me when things get tough.
Its just that sometimes, even though I know the answer... I'm still scared! Scared that I am inadequate and that I will fail at this. Scared that I will not do a good job of showing Ella that no matter what happens or who comes along, that she will always be special to me. That I will fail to show her that the day she was born I instantly changed. All of the things I used to spend countless hours worrying about didn't matter anymore. She helped me to realize just how easy it can be to trust God and to know that He is Good!
All of these things I am committing to prayer. Praying that God will mold me into the wife and mother I am called to be. That I will have to wisdom to know when to be quiet and listen for His guidance. Praying that I will not be prideful when I need to ask for help. Praying that I will not lose sight of the fact that I am His daughter, and I am loved!
How about you? Did you feel this way when you had your children? How did you make sure that everyone feels equally loved?
