I have been absent from this blog for quite some time now. For a number of reasons really...the biggest being that the past year has really wrecked me. In both good ways and bad. Thankfully, mostly good. Normally when I am dealing with a lot of stress and emotions I turn to writing as a way to cope. To me there is something invaluable about spilling your soul out on paper (or computer). But in this past season of life, writing has been the farthest thing from my mind. That is until a good friend of mine asked me a simple question.
What is God doing in your life right now?
At first I found it easy to answer. I am a wife and mother of two. I work a part time job caring for other peoples children. My husband and I are both currently students as well as youth sponsors....what is God doing in my life? He is sustaining me. He is giving me strength and patience and grace, oh so much grace, as I fail on a daily basis. After giving my answer I felt uneasy. Could this truly be all that I see God doing in my life? Picking up the pieces of my responsibilities that I let slide through my hands? Making up for my shortcomings? Surely He has done many more things in my life. I decided to put the thought to prayer. To seek clear answers from Him about the ways He is working in me. How can I be more than just a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend.
The more I put this to prayer the more I felt like I was beginning to see pieces to this puzzle. God has been forcing me to take an honest look at my heart and my willingness to be faithful even in times of trial. I am telling you all of this because if I am truly honest with myself I have to admit that life since Jack has changed me. More than the normal change that comes from having a new baby. As most of you know, Jack was born with a cleft soft palate. Some of you have read my birth story and the little bits I have written about my year of exclusively pumping so that Jack could have breast milk. But what you dont know is that this past year I have never felt like such a failure. Barely treading water, letting friendships slip, losing my patience with my family, questioning God in ways that I am now ashamed of. Now that I am farther removed from the sleepless nights of a newborn and I have weaned from pumping, I am able to look back and clearly see how God could be using this season of my life for His glory. I am able to see how our experience with Jack has given us a peek into what living a life fully reliant on God might look like. Through every hard step of this year we have been met with an open hand from God. Guiding us to the right people. The right surgeon, pediatrician, pediatric allergist and most importantly to me, the right lactation consultant. So far the story of Jack is filled with examples of Gods provisions and love.
This week we have begun the closing chapter of Jack's cleft journey. He had surgery on Monday and did amazing! His surgeon did a great job, both at fixing the cleft and keeping us calm during the process. For me, this week has been full of bittersweet emotions. I have longed and prayed so many times for Jack to be "fixed". I cant wait to hear his speech start blossoming and to be able to communicate with him better. But I have also grown accustomed to seeing his cleft when he laughs uncontrollably and to me it became one of my favorite features of his face. Something that made him stand out. The thing that made him such an amazing baby in my eyes. Jack is a warrior! He has dealt with his cleft better than I ever imagined he would. And surgery, well lets just say I could not be more proud of how strong he was/is through this whole thing.
So to answer the question...What has God been doing in my life recently?
He has been providing for me, sustaining me, blessing me and challenging me. He has put together the best medical team for my son. He has been showing me the power of community and teaching me that its ok to rely on friends. He has been molding me into a better mother by giving me opportunities to practice patience and faith. He has been teaching me how to be a better wife by giving me opportunties to practice living under my husbands authority. He has been showing me that if I allow Him to, He will use any trial in my life to bring Him glory. It is only by His grace that we have made it through this. And as I sit here and look at my son, who is currently snoring and drooling on his pillow, I realize that his birth defect, his cleft, has been an amazing blessing to us!
